i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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