so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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