I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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