So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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