I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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