I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
