The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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