...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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