I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
