i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The air taste purple.
Randomize