dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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