He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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