Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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