Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
