when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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