She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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