U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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