found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
