I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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