Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
