Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
