Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
