Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
