I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
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