Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
