woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
