Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
