im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
