Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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