when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
