just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
