woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize