If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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