I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
