When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I still have a little drunk in my system
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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