Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
