i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
