Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
