Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
