she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
