I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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