I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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