every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
