you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
