no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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