Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
