I wish I could punch you in the face.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
