Cold hands, warm shart.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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