it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
