i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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