think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
