No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
