just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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