felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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