He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
