Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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