So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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