Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
