I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
