Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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