either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
