proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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