The maid of honor just puked.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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