I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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