I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize