I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
