My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He passed out mid-signature
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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